Worth Remembering –#1

This past year sucked. There… I said it. But it didn’t all suck. Matter of fact, more of it was good than bad. You’ll notice my blog stops in 2010 and then starts again in 2013. I didn’t write at all in 2011 or 2012. Two years I’d rather forget. However, there are a couple of experiences that are worth remembering. Some of them became very important to me. They probably changed my life in the best possible way and I am grateful for them. I want to come back here to this page in a few years and read this and be thankful over and over again.

Early April 2012 I had just finished grocery shopping and was still in the parking lot when my phone rang. It was my friend Jim who called to ask for my help. I was in bad shape and he didn’t know it. He asked me to help with a charity event. One of his long time friends had been in a car accident six months ago. She was still in the hospital mostly paralyzed and as I recall, recently off the ventilator. The charity event was to raise money to cover her medical bills. She had a husband and children at home who were struggling with their situation.

Jim asked me to come shoot the event while he handled the raffle. He didn’t know my situation. He didn’t know that I was in such bad shape I could barely hold a conversation with him. I sat in my car and choked back my tears while I listened to his request. What I wanted to do was say no. I couldn’t help him. I wanted to go lie in my bed and suffer alone. The last thing I wanted to do was be out in public. I didn’t even think I had it in me to do the job. How could I be the happy photographer gathering groups of people together and making them smile when I was ready to break down sobbing at the drop of a hat?

I said yes. I forced myself to say yes. At that moment I knew that the only way to make myself feel better was to help someone else. I thought I was helping Jim. I didn’t know at the time that I was helping myself. I hung up the phone and cried. How was I going to make it through this day?

After I arrived at the event and listened to the story of Jim’s friend, Lilly Farmer, and I knew I had to help. I didn’t know anyone in the place except Jim and his wife Becky. They were busy with the set up and neither knew what had recently happened to me. I broke out my camera and slowly began engaging with the people. It didn’t take long to find some inner balance. Photography always calmed me. I may not have been the most cheerful photographer but I smiled.

My voice shook when I spoke. My body was shaking inside. I had been shaking inside for two months straight. It was the type of shaking that occurs after a serious physical injury as you are going into shock from the pain. My pain was not physical, but It was the most excruciating emotional pain I had ever felt. It was the type of pain that made me feel like I was dying. Every fiber of my being hurt. I didn’t want to die. If my body was dying from emotional pain then I needed to stop it.

Lilly Farmer’s family was so awesome! There were many people there to support her. They were so upbeat and positive about her recovery that I couldn’t help but feel it too. Then I realized something so incredibly important that it changed my entire outlook on the day. Lilly’s situation was far worse than mine.

Here was a woman who had her life yanked out from under her. Her husband, children, family, and friends were all there fighting for her. She was a good person and she didn’t deserve what happened to her. My life had been yanked out from under me as well, but I could stand up and fight for myself. She could not. My situation was not as bad as hers. It put my life back into perspective. It put my situation into perspective. There are far worse things than what happened to me. She was living proof.

Lilly was on video monitors throughout the room. They had a computer set up in one corner with a video camera so she could see and hear us. I decided to go introduce myself. I didn’t know what to say so I stumbled through my introduction and gave her my best wishes. Then, I went back to work capturing all the joy in the room for her sake. I wanted to make sure she could see all the love and support through my images. It gave me purpose.

By the end of the day I was exhausted. I had been on my feet for many hours. The event was a huge success. It was the first day in nearly in two months that I hadn’t cried for several hours. It was my first step forward from my own pain and suffering. I was so grateful for the opportunity to give to someone else that I cried all the way home. I felt the joy of the day while I was crying in pain. I will never forget that day because I believe it prevented me from sliding too far into my depression. Someone had thrown me a rope and I intended to hang on to it for dear life.

KB