Mirage

Just back tracking a little bit....this was written on October 18th, 2012. 
I read it again today and thought I should post it. 

I wanted to write something today. It’s a feeling I haven’t had in over two years. I think it means my heart is finally content. The things that have happened over the past two years have thrown me off balance. I’ve endured some major emotional upheaval and I’m in a weird place.

Right now I feel like I’m standing in a room with many open doors and I keep turning in circles looking at each one. I’m not ready to walk through any of them. Not because I’m confused, but because I’m fascinated. There are so many options that it’s exciting. I don’t want to choose one yet because prefer to stand in the middle and enjoy it. It makes me dizzy and happy.

I wish I had taken the time to look at all those doors years ago. They were always there… but I ignored them. I kept walking through the ones right in front of me in my decidedly determined way. I would never look sideways or be derailed by options. I had a destination and I was going to get there. And then my destination slowly evaporated like a mirage.

How weird to have your destination disappear. To have everything you thought you knew turn out to be so wrong. To realize you’ve been fighting the wrong enemy the whole time. What was once black and white… is now white and black. It’s the same reality but turned inside out and backwards. Weird.

My heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on until it was in tiny little pieces. That may sound a little dramatic but that is how it felt. I’ve spent the past seven months scraping up the little bits and pieces off the pavement and duct taping them together. It’s a slow process that requires careful consideration of each piece and detail. I have to leave off the dead parts. They are of no use to me now.

My heart may not be whole yet but it is content. I can feel it beating again. It reaches out and touches the possibilities, then pulls away as if it just touched a hot stove. It smiled at me to let me know it is preparing to jump.

No, it’s not going to jump into the abyss of darkness and despair. As it turns out… above that abyss there is a harness and a zipline. I’ve seen it. I’ve done it. I’ve looked into that abyss and I didn’t die. I’m on the other side now and I don’t think I have ever felt as alive. But I feel ungrounded like bouncing on a trampoline. Its fun… until it’s not. I imagine I will continue to feel ungrounded until I walk through the next door and go after the next mirage. I’m looking forward to it.

KB~